Funny Quotes

“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
— Ace Ventura, “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective”

“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
— Rose, The Golden Girls

“They say we learn from our mistakes. That’s why I am making as many as possible.
I’ll soon be a genius!”

“People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.”
— Mike Bechtle

“I drink to make other people more interesting.”
— Ernest Hemingway

I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
— Chandler Bing

“I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”
— Jimmy Kimmel

“Life is not a Fairy Tale.
If you lose your shoe at midnight, YOU’RE DRUNK.”

“I made a long To Do list for today.
I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.”

“Take my advice; I don’t use it anyways.”